Recently, I was reading about
a creature that could change the face of the modern lounge. The
creature is called Perodicticus potto and they are a small nocturnal
primate native to Western Africa. Monkeys, they call them. It
seems some high-brow scientific examination of a Perodicticus
potto skeleton at the big and imposing Zurich University revealed
a strange fact: the bones they had were not those of a Perodicticus
potto at all, but, rather a similar but heretofore unknown creature.
A new genus, for those who can't see what's plain in front of
them. And what name did they give this new little genus? Pseudopotto
martini.
You read me right.
The amazing twist is that no one has ever seen an actual Pseudopotto
martini - only bones! And therein lies my grand scheme for the
remystification of the cocktail lounge,
In a grand publicity ploy, I will head for Western Africa
to comb the jungles and be the first civilized fellow to behold
the Pseudopotto martini. And I'm going to let alot of people
know I'm doing this. Once I find them, I'm going to round up
as many of the little guys as I can and bring them back with
me. I'm sure Western Africa will have no problem with this, since
it's a well-known fact to all Americans that non-industrial nations
love to hand us their natural resources for a good price.
From there, I shuffle back to some Big American City (world
class!) to open my nightclub, which I will call Martini Mau Mau,
Martini Hut, or Martini Jungle, I haven't made a final decision.
The entire waitstaff will be made up of those little Pseudopotto
martinis, meticulously trained to serve a drink without spilling
it or throwing it against the wall. They're alot like monkeys,
so they have some capacity for mimickry. They're little, but
that's all right, we can serve little drinks. And they're nocturnal,
so they'll work best after 5 PM.
The decor for this joint will be a delightful facsimile of
their natural habitat in Western Africa made from portions of
their real natural habitat in Western Africa, making the little
primates feel very at home, the big primate customers in awe
of the exotica of it all, and the Western Africans happy because
they can paw off some more natural resources to some American
with deep pockets. Plus, if we also bring along some bugs and
birds, not only do they count as further resources to suck up,
but they also provide such an ambience that all you need is a
vibraphone player and you have an exotica house band.
Now don't tell me you prefer to hang out at some Ha Cha Cha
Lounge with your Euro-lounge dee-jay, Bob Fez, because that's
just not true!
The only real problem is that the "martini" in Pseudopotto martini is actually a Latinized form of the name "martin" as in Professor R.D. Martin, the director of the big and imposing Zurich University's Anthropological Institute and Museum, and probably a nice guy. A technicality, to be sure, but I'm certain Professor Martin has had a couple martinis in his life. I'll probably try to get him to tend bar.