So you've hit that point of hipster
ennui where you're tired of being merely drunk and with-it and
immaculately now, and you're thinking there's got to be more
to life than another night of re-painting the town red. You on
the edge of 30 and you've decided on kids - or kids have decided
on you. Either way, you see it as the right solution at the right
time. Bravo! But a little warning: babies and swingers don't
always mix. You may find that highly-regarded Hipster Pally of
yours pulling up his roots and finding himself a brand new barstool,
one that Mommy-O and Daddy-O are not welcome near. You may be
the most happening, with-it, super cool Mommy-O and Daddy-O in
the burg, but Hipster Pally won't want to share his shaker with
the likes of you anymore. You're cramping his style.
Hipster Pally's true stripes show as the pregnancy starts,
when he ceases all communication with Mommy-O. Out of booze,
out of mind. He might try to get Daddy-O to go for a hepcat's
night out, but Daddy-O prefers the company of his best gal. So
Hipster Pally will swing into the woodwork, ignoring Mommy-O
and Daddy-O until after the baby is born. Even though Mommy-O
and Daddy-O are waking up every two hours to nurse the baby,
Hipster Pally tries to convince them that what they really need
is not sleep, but an evening out with him. Hey, the kid's dropped,
no reason you can't swing, swing, swing! After Mommy-O and Daddy-O
decline such an attractive temptation, Hipster Pally fades away
like sugar syrup in an Old Fashioned. He does occasionally resurface
in their mailbox, passing on some token of his fabulousness,
proof that life has swung on without Mommy-O and Daddy-O. Quel
fink!
Mommy-O and Daddy-O don't need Hipster Pallies. They need
Hipster Friends. Parenting doesn't make someone a square, but
a whole lotta' squares become parents. Dull parents and their
dull kids are everywhere - - especially a playground. A playground
is filled with L7s trying to set up playdates, so your kid can
have some fun with their Elmo-loving, Disney-watching lump who
will surely grow up to be another friggin' denim-shirted consultant
with a pageboy haircut. Meanwhile, your kid's jiving to Louis
Jordan and the sky's his limit. It can be a lonely world out
there for a parent with a clue.
This is why the Auntie Mames of the world (the Rosalind Russell
version, naturally) need to rise up and take more than a passing
interest in these babies! If you want a less blah world and whine
about the bland corporateness of it all, you need to have a relationship
with the next generation and teach them that there's more to
life than Riverdance videos and boneless, skinless chicken
breasts! When you're a Hipster Friend, you don't say "so
long" to Mommy-O and Daddy-O, you say "Yessirree Bob!"
to a grand adventure! It's time to rise off your barstool to
the occasion! Prove your worth! Thanks to you, the world would
have one less kid who loves Raffi and one more who can bossa
nova by his second birthday! Take charge of the future!
And think about Mommy-O and Daddy-O, who need adult time with
someone other than Martha Stewart zombies and big fans of Friends.
Remember this: in its original form, cocktail music was as much
the soundtrack to suburban soirees as nightclub venues. Maybe
more so, what with all those hi-fi's. And what is a suburban
soiree but a gathering of parents? Sure, hip parents may not
be fixated on the new Ultra Lounge release or latest Martini
variation as much as you wish they were, but that doesn't mean
they’re not with-it bad cats. Just think about that homebar and the teacart full of hors d’oeuvres! All they want is to know who their real friends are and enjoy their company as they always have. So take that to heart, potential Hipster Pallies.
Meanwhile, potential Mommy-O’s and Daddy-O’s should be assured that it was Hipster Pally who life swung on without. As you think of him out there, drunk, trying to impress one more disinterested young girl with tales of his glory days before he goes home to the ball and chain, don’t bother to give him a ring. You wouldn’t want to cramp his style.