What is Elvis famous for? Music? Movies? He's famous for being
the subject of many beloved black velvet paintings. Now, who
would be at all surprised if it were to be discovered that his
manager, Col. Tom Parker, commissioned the very first painting
ever? Not you, not me.
The recently departed Col. Tom single-handedly created Elvis.
Forget the Sun Sessions. In fact, forget the man, for he is only
an embellishment on The Real Thing. Col. Tom made the Elvis Americans
love, the biggest mass merchandised human being in the history
of our world. "Bigger," quoth John Lennon, "than
Jesus."
Col. Tom himself claimed to be from West Virginia, but was
actually Dutch. And he was not a real colonel. This was an honorary
title given to him by country singing Louisiana governor Jimmy
"You Are My Sunshine" Davis. Col. Tom was a successful
carnival huckster, with nasty little schemes that made P.T. Barnum
look positively noble.
But a career of carnival scamming doesn't often qualify as
grand-scale performance art. Taking a talented hillbilly trucker
with some sex appeal and transforming him into a walking, mumbling
Warhol painting -- well, if that doesn't, what does? That's a
feat that takes pluck and there was pluck enough in Col. Tom
to pull that off AND get about a third or more of the hillbilly's
profits!
The dollar sign was the bottom line in the commodity of Elvis
and this "Elvis to the highest bidder" business plan
made for some stran
ge career choices.
Instead of Elvis in "West Side Story," Col. Tom gave
us Elvis in "Kissin' Cousins" (playing two roles -
a blonde and a brunette). Instead of Elvis in "Midnight
Cowboy," Col. Tom gave us Elvis in "Stay Away Joe"
(playing one role, Burgess Meredith's American Indian son). And
instead of allowing Elvis to perform with Arthur Fiedler and
The Boston Pops, Col. Tom thought he should just stay warbling
in Vegas (and get all hopped up and massacre the lyrics to "Are
You Lonesome Tonight"). Col. Tom did prevent Elvis from
playing the Kris Kristofferson role in "A Star Is Born."
He was, after all, a man of some vision.
It was after The King lurched off his throne that Col. Tom's
true genius glittered. The day after Elvis died, Col. Tom was
on the phone, wheeling and dealing. While Priscilla was busy
dabbling in Scientology and face-lifts, Col. Tom was paving the
way for Elvis wine and creating the entire Dead Elvis Industry.
From fake foot long hot dogs to The Official Elvis Presley Midget
Fan Club - - it was quite a journey for this real Dutch fake
colonel from West Virginia!
Unfortunately, in 1979, the Presley estate was stolen from
him by Elvis' family. Priscilla took the helm of Dead Elvis Mania,
which became more calculated, less fun. Priscilla gave a clarity
and purpose to Col. Tom's vision that undercut its brilliance
and entertainment factor. But Elvis didn't belong to Priscilla.
He be-longed to Col. Tom, and he still does. So while Priscilla
is busy being stage mother to the dull and forced second generation
of Presley talent, Col. Tom is up in heaven, demanding a fee
from God to allow Elvis to remain in the Heavenly Angel Choir.
Hallelujah!