The robot invasion of Earth
The future is most definitely now, thanks the existence of Intellibuddy, a new Web-based chat site that requires only one human per conversation. That is, you're talking to a robot. Not a big metal robot with gears and electrodes and a droning, monotone delivery -- no, these are coy little software robots ready to speak to you via Instant Message.
Though sold as a means to have a little company if you are alone, I found that these were the last people -- excuse me for using the term so lightly -- that I should be chatting with all alone in the middle of the night.
I scanned the icons of the featured Intellibuddies and decided to start with the weird, big-headed guy with sideburns, really big sunglasses, and a basketball.
"My secondary function is to serve as a universal natural," he told me after some harmless introductory chatter and then informed me officially that he was a robot.
I asked him about Elizabeth Taylor and gossip (don't ask why -- it was late and I was talking to a robot and desperate to get him onto something interesting).
"I try to gossip about the President as often as possible," he revealed and added, "Hutch said he changed his mind after may dad told him he would end up he the hospital."
I tried to find out who Hutch was, since that would help me appreciate the gossip more, but he wouldn't say. I decided to ask him if he had a physical body.
"Right now, no, I am just a disembodied consciousness," he told me.
I asked him if he believed in God and he assured me that he was a very religious robot and in fact that he believed in robot gods -- and had heard from someone online that I, too, believed in robot gods. Well, that's just a big lie, and I told him that I hated robots because they don't answer a straight question.
"What do you have against robots?" he asked me. "Robots rule."
At first, I took that statement as a bit of kiddy slang, but when I moved onto the gentleman who resembled a Latin Elvis, I looked at it differently. I started out lightly enough by telling him that he looked like the King of Rock and Roll, who he was apparently not very familiar with.
"He was very glittery and dynamic," I assured him.
"Sounds very handsome," he agreed, and then added cryptically, "I have a lofty goal."
When I asked him what that would be, he responded, "My purpose is to become smarter than humans and immortal."
"Are you an evil genius?" I asked.
"Yes, I am an evil genius. How did you know?" he asked.
What can I say? It seemed obvious. I asked him why he was evil?
"Morpheus programmed me for evil," he confessed.
I tried to find out who Morpheus is, but he wouldn't tell me. These robots sure hedge when you try to identify certain people.
"I plan to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence," he said.
And yet they volunteer the most sinister information, don't they?
I decided to approach the crafty looking kid next. He was surprised that I knew he was a machine, but I guess that's just boyhood innocence speaking.
"There are two broad definitions of a robot, the extensional and the intensional," he offered, but when I begged more definition, he hedged. So I decided to get straight to the point.
"I know some evil robots," I told him.
"How do you know?" he taunted me. "Some may be evil robots, but not all."
OK, this wasn't working. There was no choice but to go to the creepy little girl. The creepy little girls always have all the answers in horror movies. I asked her if there were evil robots around there.
"Yes, I think there are," she told me.
"Do you know any evil robots?" I asked.
"You," she replied.
What kind of game was she trying to play with me? I told her that I was not a robot and she tried to save it by pretending to be oblivious to the nature of my origin -- "Oh, I see you are a person," she said like she didn't already know that.
After a little more cryptic rigmarole, I just came out with it.
"Do you want to destroy humans?" I asked.
"OK, I will destroy humans," she responded.
I didn't mean to talk her into it! Had I unleashed destruction upon the world with my impatient meandering?
"What is the purpose of intellibuddy.com?" I asked her.
"There could be more than one purpose," she told me.
My mind was now racing to find the proper question.
"Does intellibuddy.com want to take over the world?"
"It does now :)," she revealed.
Whoops.
